Some friendships are easy to explain. Others are harder, not because they don’t make sense, but because they matter so much they shape who you become.

For us, that’s what our friendship with Deon has been.

We met back at Illinois Wesleyan. Different hometowns. Different backgrounds. Different experiences. But something clicked. What started as two college guys in the same fraternity turned into a friendship that’s lasted decades, one that’s now deeply woven into our family. Our kids call him Uncle Deon. He’s been there for games, graduations, and hard days. And in every season, he’s shown up.

That’s what friendship does. It shows up.

Learning From Our Differences

When you grow up in a world that tends to stay in its own lane, by race, class, or comfort, it takes intention to cross those lines. And yet, those are the conversations that change you.

I moved to Plainfield in 8th grade. Back then, I’d heard rumors of racism, stories of families who were treated unfairly or made to feel unwelcome, but I didn’t fully believe them. Then I saw it. Friends and families were literally run out of town. And I couldn’t understand it.

Even more horrifying was realizing that some of that same racism wasn’t just “out there.” It was closer to my family and friend group than I ever wanted to believe.

That’s a hard thing to admit, but it’s the truth. I was part of a world that could ignore it because it didn’t touch me directly. That’s privilege. And that’s where I was wrong.

I don’t see Deon as different from me. He’s my brother, my friend, part of my family. But I’ve also learned to see what he carries that I don’t, the extra calculations he has to make walking into certain rooms, the conversations he’s had to have that I’ve never needed to think about. That’s the tension and the gift of real friendship: you see the world through someone else’s eyes, and it changes the way you move through it yourself.

It wasn’t until college, meeting people like Deon and Kedzie, that I began to see the depth of what I’d missed. Deon grew up in Joliet, where the realities of race weren’t rumors, they were daily life. I grew up just a few miles away, in a place that had the luxury of pretending those problems didn’t exist.

That’s when I began to understand that awareness starts with proximity. You can’t see what you don’t stand close enough to notice.

Sarah and I have tried to live by that ever since, to surround ourselves, and our kids, with people whose stories are different from our own. Race, religion, background, belief, difference isn’t something to avoid. It’s something to learn from.

Why It Matters

We live in a world that often feels more divided than connected. But the data tells us something hopeful: friendship still has the power to bridge those divides.

Nearly 60 % of Americans say they have at least one close friend of another race, but only 35 % say they talk openly about race or culture.
People who maintain long-term cross-cultural friendships are more than twice as likely to describe their communities as “hopeful.”
Adults with diverse social circles report higher empathy, stronger problem-solving skills, and a greater sense of belonging.
And according to the American Psychological Association, people who build friendships across difference report lower stress and greater overall life satisfaction.

Friendship, it turns out, is one of the simplest, and most powerful, ways to create understanding.

The Work of Showing Up

What we’ve learned from Deon, and from so many others, is that being friends across difference isn’t a one-time act of inclusion. It’s a lifetime of curiosity.

It’s asking questions without assuming you already know the answers. It’s noticing when your world looks too much like you, and doing something about it.

It’s also about humility, knowing that you’ll get some things wrong, but choosing to stay in the conversation anyway.

That’s what Deon models. He listens, he mentors, he builds bridges, and he reminds our family that faith and friendship are best lived out loud, not in comfort, but in connection.

A Simple Reminder

Family isn’t only who you’re born to. It’s who you choose to walk with.

And the more those people reflect the real, beautiful mix of the world we live in, different races, stories, beliefs, and experiences, the more complete our lives become.

That’s what friendship does. It widens the circle.

Our friendship with Deon continues to shape how we raise our kids, how we build our community, and how we see the world. Because when we open our lives to people who don’t look or think like us, we don’t lose who we are, we find more of it.

Thanks for reading,

Justin

What Friendship Can Teach Us About Belonging